Moving forward with immediate, imperfect action

I’ve been in a procrastination rut; overthinking things. I’ve been trying to be perfect again and it’s just making me stagnate. I’ve seen it happening and yet I’ve been feeling this way for weeks; frustrated because I’m not doing the things I want to. It’s so ridiculous because once again I am the only thing getting in my own way. This blog is a great example. I haven’t written for several weeks because I’ve been trying to wait for the ‘right’ topic and the ‘right’ time to sit down and write it when I feel full of inspiration and it’s quiet and everything is perfect. Except no time will ever be perfect, because perfect is a painful myth I prod myself with from time to time.

I’ve ended up in this place, I think, because I was recently thrown back into a difficult family dynamic which I thought I’d healed and rewritten. How wrong I was! After a few email interactions with this family member, there I was back in my old role, inhabiting the old feelings, feeling the need to be perfect and demonstrate my worth in achievement; back in not enoughness and shame spiraling out of control. It seems there is more work to be done.

My main playground for procrastination currently is around launching my coaching business. This is ironic as one of the things I will be working with people on is taking action. So here I am writing this, challenging myself to do just that. It’s all very well having this idea in my head and people saying ‘Yes you’d be good at that.’ but if I never do anything with the idea I will never get to see how wonderful an opportunity it might be. I believe my purpose is to sit alongside people in difficult times and hold space for them, whilst allowing them to reconnect to themselves and make changes in their lives to move towards a place where they can find comfort within themselves. It would be a travesty if I never tried. I might be great at it, but the story I’m telling myself is that I might let people down, I might come up short, and that I might fail. I need to take my own words as medicine and believe myself when I tell the kids that there is no such thing as failure, only feedback. 

I have spent considerable time of late looking at the websites of other people working in the coaching space and feeling jealous. The jealousy lets me know that my compass is set correctly but I need to redistribute my time spent comparing and considering why this or that person may be more successful than me as it is stealing my joy. 

I have a thousand jobs on my to-do list to get me closer to my aim. I need to re-examine and consider how many of those things are true needs and how many are vulnerability buffers? Then with what is left I need to move forward and begin taking action. My aim this week is to allow myself to take immediate, imperfect action. Immediate – to  not allow myself the time to reconsider and talk myself out of things and because if I have made a mistake or a change my mind later – that is quite ok. Imperfect – because I am always willing myself to live a wonkier, less curated life. I admire people who get on and do and are playful and create and adapt as they go along – why don’t I start being one of those people right now? Come on, let’s have a go…..

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